Do you Speak Instagram?

My friend just got an Instagram account.

And me, being the instafiend I am, started going on about all the things I love about Insty.

And, it occurred to me, well, we say some weird shit on Instagram.

Grammar, proper English and punctuation be damned.

Here are some of my favorites.

All the heart eyes - as in the emoticon, eg. wow so cute, your baby is adorable, that dress is great, I am in love with whatever that is

#shelfie - a way to show off how good you are at decorating your kids room

That ____ though - eg. the _____ was great, that _____ looks good, I want to eat your _____

#fluffmail - showing off your new cloth nappies 

Amaze - like amazing, but infinitely more so

Noms - eg. that food was delish, that food looks delish, that man looks delish

#nomnomnom - see above

I need that ____ in my life - eg. I need to eat that pizza, I need to own that dress, I need to be in a hotel that looks like that

 #wearallthebabies - no, we aren't turning babies into clothes, its the baby wearing (wrapping) movement

I can't even - when something is so cute or infuriating or awesome you can't deal with it

I literally can't even - see above, but like, more so

#thestruggleisreal - used when commenting on any "first world problem"

#allthehashtags - a satirical comment to make light of the fact that you have just used a lot of hashtags, mostly so people know you aren't super serious and can laugh at yourself #justkiddingbutnotreally kind of thing

#gains - accompanied by a wanky gym selfie, or, ironically, with a large pizza or cocktail

All of the things - a general need to have all of the dresses, eat all of the food, or drink all of the wine

What are your favorite Instagram cliches?

Kids clothing sizes - WTF

Dude. Something I was totally unprepared for in my journey of Motherhood.

Kids clothing sizes. I literally can't even.

First of all naming schemes are different in each country. Being the Texas made - Australian born - Kiwi blooded baby that Sophie is, we have clothing from everywhere - and they all have different terms!

Second of all - nothing is consistent!

Sophie currently fits the following sizes:

0-3 months

2-4 months

3 months

3-6 months

6 months

6-9 months

and

0

00

000

Some of the more amusing size situations:
Pyjamas - Gymboree 6-9 months is now too small (but her Gymboree 3-6 months are too big for her)
In both onesies and overalls, I have been saving the cutest Osh Kosh things for her, now the 6 month onesies don't fit, and the overalls are nearly too small!

Gah, lol this is all way too confusing for this Petrophysicist, give me quantum physics to figure out and I might have more luck. Can I get an Amen?! Does anyone else find this bonkers? Haha it cracks me up. That 6-9 month pair of pyjamas were in a storage box for way later in the year and I happened to pick it up and think, shit this is tiny compared to the 3-6.. Maybe I should try it now. And its nearly too small already!

My lesson learned here fellow parent, is that one must be ever vigilant. If we stay alert we can win this fight against the oppressive and confusing clothing size villains.

________

Here are 10 things I think are easier to understand than what size clothes your kid should fit:

Taxes

The theory of relativity

Someone with a Cajun accent

Why Kim Kardashian is famous

The rules of AFL

Debate over the designated hitter in baseball*

Simultaneous equations and long division and well most maths

Why anyone buys Chris Brown records after that night

The science of Macaron baking

The story line of Lost

________

One day Soph fits the newborn size and then she is in 6-9 months. Hahaha. Seems legit :p


*Rob gave me that one lol

And here is a gratuitious cute Sophie photo.
Although may it be noted that in this photo she is wearing a 3 month cardigan,  3-6 month singlet, 3-6 month stockings, NB Mocs and a 0-3 month dress.

3 am breastfeeding thoughts

A stream of consciousness during a night feed. Get ready for it. I think I am nuts.


And go -


I need to blog.
More.
And take dress photos.
Should I get a tripod?
How do all those bloggers get such good photos of those dresses?
I want more dresses.
I need to take more photos of Sophie in all her dresses.
I wonder if she fits that pink one yet?
I think the blue one will fit her now.
I wonder if she will dislike dresses when she is older because of this forced dress wearing?
Did I wear dresses?
Hmmm....
....
...
.
I wonder how old a baby is when you realise they are a genius?
Oh we need to start teaching her sign language.
I wonder how hard it is....
...
.
Just a couple of signs would be good. Like hungry. Or done. Or....
...
..
Maybe if we start now she will be signing whole sentences by 2.
Wow.
..
..
.....
.......
Do all mothers think they have the best looking babies?
Have they seen Sophie though?
Hmmmm....
Yep, I think she is looking more like me now.
But still heaps like Rob.
Man, he was a cute baby.
Photo.
Just one.
Send that to Grandma.
What time is it in New Zealand?
Shit I look tired.
Bugger it.
I wonder if she is done yet?
..
...
.....
Shit.
I need to do the US taxes.
What was the due date?
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Oh the car needs a service to.
"Sophie, remind me the car needs a service"
Yeah nice way to remember Sarah.
Blame the kid for not reminding you.
....
..
Bugger me its cold.
I wonder if shes done yet.
Man shes sweet.
Why is time flying so fast?
Will time only accelerate from now?
How does one slow down time?
Should I try a course in Mindfulness?
Be present. Be present. Be present.
"Sophie your mother is nuts love"
Ahhhhhhhh I'm soooo tired.
I wonder if she is done.
Be present Sarah.
Man shes cute.
Oh, its Wednesday.. Bacon and Eggs in a few hours.
Yuss.
Bacon.
Bacon.
Bacon.
.
..
....
Okay babe, all done.
"Shhhh, Shhhh, Shhhh sleep time"
Don't wake her.
Gah! Stupid creaky floorboard.
Still sleeping.
Ah.
Just, one, little, step.
Begin descent....
And. She. Is. Out.
Yuss.

 I call this move the knee-leg-sleep check (yep, it might need a better name). 

The theory is if I lay her down on my legs and she stays asleep, then its safe to put her down in the basket. 

This is of course, an attempt to avoid multiple trips back and forward when she wakes back up again.

How your google history changes when you have a baby

So... There are so many unknowns with parenting. And as much as I read and researched and wondered before Sophie was born, there are a million things I don't know or unsure about.. Suddenly my Google history has taken an abrupt and curious turn..

Here's what I mean.

Pre-baby Google searches - 

Romantic weekend resort 

Gin cocktail recipes 

Kim Kardashian break the Internet 

Vintage fair Perth

Vintage fair Melbourne

Flights to Vegas 

Restaurants Perth

Cocktail bar Perth
Beef curry recipe extra hot
Rooftop bar Perth
Music festival Austin
Rum bar New York

And... Here's what it has changed to in the last few months:

Newborn sneezing

Newborn sleep patterns 

Newborn won't sleep

Newborn wide awake for hours

Newborn poo

Newborn poo texture 

Newborn poo stains 

Newborn dribble 

How to get a newborn to sleep

Newborn goo in eye 

Blocked tear ducts baby 

How to clear blocked tear ducts 

Why can't newborns sleep more than 45 minutes

Breastfeeding sore nipples 

Breastfeeding so sore nipples

Why does breastfeeding still hurt 

Baby week 6

When do babies sleep through the night 

Breastfeeding sports bra

Flu symptoms sore boobs

Mastitis 

Mastitis cure

Seriously, mastitis cure please 

Ways to nap effectively

Cloth nappies washing

Cloth nappies stain 

Cloth nappies cute patterns
Teething
Early teething
Is my 3 month old teething
Help my 3 month old is teething
How much dribble is too much dribble
Infant hand chewing
Infant hand sucking
Infant putting everything in their mouth
Four month sleep regression
I have a baby, will I ever sleep again
 

Haha, well yep, you get the point. Clearly I miss my sleep.
What about you? Are you neurotic also? Whats the oddest thing you have Googled for your babe?
 

Friday night polka dots

Another night of amazing comedy to top off an amazing day.

I just love how many great acts have been coming to Houston. Tonight Tommy Davidson was performing. 

So. So. So funny.

Sounded like a perfect chance to rock a mint polka dot dress. And a good chance to try out a new frame app.

I hope y'all had a great Friday night too!

Happy Saturday eve!

Xox

Very excited for the comedy show.

Who loves iPhone apps.. lol. I do.

Anticipating comedy.

This weekend has the potential to be monumental.

Obviously I like to laugh. I like to giggle. I like to guffaw. I like to hold in a silent laugh at an inappropriate moment. I also like to cackle. Sometimes I like to laugh so hard my sides hurt. I have been known to have laugh so much I pee. I genuinely love laughing.

My adoration of laughing, or being in a state of "laugh", means that I am drawn to funny people. My parents are maniacally funny. My friends crack me up. My husband is a funny, funny man.

And so, I love comedians. I love sarcastic humour; obvious, stupid humour; observational humour; dry, British humour; odd and bizarre quips; physical humour. Most comedy I love. I will try and make a list of people who crack me up, but I don't think there is time. Literally. People just crack me up.

My point is, right now, I am anticipating comedy. On Saturday night, I am going to be ticking off two MASSIVE items from my bucket list. And a few other smaller "must do's".

On Saturday night I am seeing both The Flight of the Conchords, and Dave Chapelle.

Yes. I said it.

Let it sink in for awhile.

I am almost scared to say it out loud in case I am dreaming. I am so darned excited I am already amped. I was amped the day I found they were playing together two months ago. I was amped after I finally got tickets after waiting on line for 38 minutes. Actually, the day I found out they were both playing together my friend nearly drove off the road because I swore so loudly. I never thought I would be able to see Dave Chappelle live. And I have missed the last few shows that The Conchords have done.*

But combine them. It's like the Holy Grail of my funny bone.

Oh, and this just popped up on my screen at work..

Garrrhhhhh!

If it wasn't enough that my two favorite comedy "situations" are playing in Houston  on Saturday night, Kristen Schaal is also going to be there. She is a funny, funny lady.

PLUS, tonight, my childhood dreams are coming true. We are going to see Pauly Shore at Improv Houston.

I grew up on classics such as "Son in Law", "In the Army Now", and "Biodome". I went through the "Hey Buudddddy" phase. My sister and I literally watched "Son in Law" 100 times. I still  love the shit out of "Encino Man".

So I am excited. Very excited. This week has been long. And if I think about what will be happening in the next 72 hours I get wound up and start bouncing around. More than usual.

Anyway, I wanted to share my excitement with you funny people out there, and just say how blessed I feel that we are in a place where we can experience this. 

And if I pee my pants this weekend, it will be totally worth it.



Sarah xo

*(Rereading this paragraph, I feel that the word amped is barely appropriate to convey my excitement. But there you go.)

About the festival!

Flight of the Conchords first album, Image from Wikipedia