On Being Scared

Okay, here goes.
I don't get serious on this blog much. Its not that I don't live an actual life with ups and downs, but I have normally used this blog as an avenue in which I focus on all the good things that happen in life.

But, when I need answers on life stuff, or baby stuff, or health stuff, I do as everyone else does, and look to the internet. And, as baby is coming along, I have been looking to other Mums, or Mums to be who blog, and reading their experiences.

And so, I find myself at 18 weeks. And needing some support, or answers, or like, just something to help me out a little.

When I had my nine week scan, my Ob Gyn saw two fibroids and let me know. We asked what the implications were, and he said that they were benign tumors that sometimes caused some pain. I answered that pain is something I can deal with (given my Endo history) as long as baby is okay.

The day before my 13 week appointment I started having some cramps in the evening. They weren't bad (relatively) but they were enough for me to hop into bed early with a heat pack.

At the appointment the next day, the nurse noticed that I was walking with some discomfort. She asked how long I had been sore for and we talked it over with her, and then with the doctor. He said it was probably the fibroids and to get some rest, use heat packs, and if the pain got worse he could prescribe something.

The following week things got worse, and I began getting pains on a daily basis that were up to and around the equivalence of moderate endometriosis pain. I called the nurse and she said that there wasn't really anything we could do, but to rest and use ice packs or heat packs.

In the last month the pains have been progressing. The day of my 17 week appointment, the pains were the worst they had been. The doctor was genuinely concerned and did an exam straight away. He said that baby was fine, and that I wasn't having contractions (fibroid pain can cause the uterus to contract and cause preterm labor). We were immediately relieved to know little Sophie was okay, as this is our main concern. He then saw prescribed some pain killers to give me some comfort, and some strong anti-inflammatorys to try and calm things down.

I took the anti inflam over the weekend and had a couple of days without pain, and then a couple of days with less pain. On Wednesday I had a completely pain free morning until 2 in the afternoon. At 2 some mild pain started and then got quite bad towards 3. I went home early from work, a little frustrated that I had nearly made a whole day without the pain. But, by 6 the pain had escalated. Over the next few hours the pain got absolutely out of control. The pain killers that the doctor prescribed didn't touch the pain, and I was screaming and crying. No position was comfortable. A bath didn't help. Tea didn't help. Heat packs and ice packs didn't help. We ended up going into the emergency room at the Woman's hospital. Two rounds of morphine didn't touch the pain. We had an ultrasound to make sure Sophie was okay, seeing her moving about and doing her thing was the biggest relief. I cried my eyes out knowing that she was okay. After two more shots of morphine the pain still hadn't decreased at all. Even though we had seen her on the ultra sound moving around and apparently okay, I was so, so scared. How could I be in this much pain on the outside and her be okay on the inside. I was so scared, and the pain is literally the worse thing I have ever felt. I know that health wise, I am a lot better off than other people, but I do feel like I have dealt with a lot of pain in my experiences with endometriosis, cysts and other issues.

I was admitted into hospital and given more treatment until the pain was under control. They routinely checked baby's heart beat to make sure she was still okay. The next night I was discharged and sent home to rest. The doctor said that the fibroids are growing rapidly due to the hormone supply with baby, but simultaneously degenerating. He was surprised that I was in this much pain considering they weren't as big as others he has seen. He also said now, it seems like the only thing we can do is try and manage the pain, and that it will be a long 5 months.

So. Here we are. Trying to figure out how to go forward with all this. Sophie being safe is our biggest worry. We feel like we got past two pretty big bridges getting pregnant. I have been told by doctors since I was 18 that I probably wouldn't be able to have kids because of the endometriosis. We have since learned that having fibroids is also a causation of infertility. So having Sophie be safe is now my biggest fear. I thought that I was neurotic before, but now. Now I know what it is like to be scared. I want so badly for her to be okay. It is this all encompassing worry.

So why did I write this post?

Partly to get this all off my chest.
Partly to seek support. I am still learning about the implications of having fibroids.
It seems that many people who have fibroids carry baby to full term. Some people lose their babies early. Some have c sections, and some have natural births. Some have babies that show up a few weeks early. Sometimes the pain goes away. And sometimes people have severe pain right through pregnancy.
Partly to see if I know anyone who has undergone similar experiences.

I am really scared.
Scared of losing the beautiful little girl inside me.
Scared of the intensity and duration of the pain.
Scared of not knowing was it going to happen.

This is me opening up, and asking for help. I feel so far away from home and family. And so unsure.